Such friends are kept at a distance, as they are far, far, worse than an enemy.
These "friends" reveal themselves, often at a critical point where friendship is needed.
For example, I had a friend that I met in a previous job called Don. Looking back, he was a scadenfreund as it was always conversational one-ups, one better, always besting whatever I said. At the time, I naively took such talk as bravado, someone trying to impress. I was a friend to Don, helping him, and being generous in sharing books, papers, even copying some free material and Linux software so he did not have to find it, download it, and get it to work.
Later, when I was layed-off, and asked Don for a reference, the true colors of the schadenfreunde were revealed. In an e-mail, Don gave me his "I only give references to people I've worked with at least three years." How very considerate of him.
Later when I began work on my computer architecture book, Don in an e-mail said "Why would you want to write a book with so many out there?" Stomping on a friend's dream. Simple--I want to, same reason people run, or climb mountains, or compose music, or play the piano. But I owed this false friend no explanations.
Later, after a few years, I got an e-mail from him, and again he said "I remember you were writing a book...". I did not respond. Don would want something, after all he suddenly contacts me after several years, and when I would not have it, would put down or make some nasty comment, then disappear again feeling superior. A schaden-freunde that needs someone to vomit their human excrement upon.
When he tried to contact me over LinkedIn, I blocked him. I also added his name to my e-mail blacklist. Don was a schadenfreunde, and the only way to deal with them is to avoid them. Having no reason to contact or communicate I severed all ties. A person that questions anything you do, does not share any sense of accomplishment, and does not help out of their own need for self-importance and self-aggrandizement is a person you do not need. I would be glad for a friend that was writing a book to be published, and if I could, would give a reference for a job to help them. The complete opposite applied to Don, so I need that like I need the swine flu.
Another schadenfreunde was Joe, whom again I met through work in a previous job. We were friends after both of us had left the company. But I noticed Joe always took a condescending view of patronizing superiority. When I considered going back to college once, Joe immediately started telling me about deadlines, forms, and documents, things I was well aware of. I made a point of asking Joe if he was my guidance counselor, telling him having been to college and some graduate school I was well aware of admission requirements and deadlines. That was a first, but not last time.
Later I had moved away, but Joe in e-mails was always dispensing his pithy advice, like to join the Peace Corps and move to a third world country. Unfortunately, my background is computer science, not much use in the bush of Africa. Also, I like air conditioning, hamburgers, milk shakes, Internet access, all the things of the United States--a first world nation. I pointed out to Joe that a quote of mine is "free advice is often worth the price you pay for it." It was as if Joe did not know me even though he talked to me, worked with me, and interacted with me--like I did not exist.
His response was "I was only trying to help" to which I responded trying to at least keep a dialog. But no response...can't dispense his pithy wisdom so does not communicate. A friend who constantly offers advice but only because it makes them feel self-important, and the worst kind of advice based on nothing about you. One reason I
Some schadenfreunde are former coworkers Vasudevan, Ravin, and Nathan, who after hurricane Katrina sent the token "I'm glad you survived." but no other e-mails again. Not interested in communicating, and having left work, you are no longer a lemming marching to the cliff in the same mindless shit job with the same equally mindless shit company (the movie Office Space comes to mind).
Questions to ask to determine if a "friend" is a schadenfreunde:
- For anything you do, is this friend in competition--one better or out doing you?
- Is this friend happy for your achievements and encourage you?
- Does this friend support your efforts by vouching for you?
- Will this friend empathize with you, or simply tell you what to do?
Life can be miserable, and a schadenfreunde only adds to the misery by being a traitor in your own ranks, a stabber in your back when you least expect it, and certainly when you do not need it. Usually with a big smile of friendship, and a carving knife ready to strike downward. Francis Bacon said, "If a man have a true friend, he may rest almost secure that the care of those things (things of great importance such as an unfinished work) will continue after him."
Dealing with such people is usually the more difficult thing, but the first step is to recognize them. I have true friends, but I can count them on one hand. I'd call a schadenfreude (borrowing from Francis Bacon's definition of a true friend) a share-not anything, whereas Francis Bacon in his book "Essays" Essayes: Religious Meditations. Places of Perswasion and Disswasion. Seene and Allowed states "I have given the rule, where a man cannot fitly play his own part; if he have not a friend, he may quit the stage." True friends make life worth living, schadenfreunde make life unlivable.
